An Ode To My Father

Poet: Prabal Lama

“I am always late”

Sometimes I assess the things I’ve lost by being late and the pain of being late for something you could have done right if early makes my daily existence painful at the peacefully painful.

I wish I wasn’t late for school when you were there on the bike waiting for me to finish my carelessness.

I wish I wasn’t late from school during then when there were no cellphone and you had to leave for home one day without getting to meet me at my hostel.

I wish I wasn’t late from my teenage hangouts when you would be eagerly waiting for me just to make sure I was all right.

I wish I wasn’t late in realizing that the cell phone that I fought with you for would be a medium to widen our closeness and our relationship in the future.

I wish I wasn’t late from those winter carnivals when I had fun and you enjoyed the carnival on the Television without sleep just to be awake to see me closing the door of my room before I slept.

I wish I wasn’t late in realizing that my decision to study in a college away from home would affect me and ultimately be the reason for more reasons to hurt you more.

I wish I wasn’t late in picking up your afternoon call when I would be dead asleep and you would be calling me with your lunch in front of you, just to make sure I wasn’t hungry.

I wish I wasn’t late in arriving home on vacations and have you gazing at the road stretch just to make sure I reach okay.

I wish I wasn’t late in informing you that I reached back hostel well with around 30 missed calls during the train journey that I didn’t pay attention to.

I wish I wasn’t late in telling you that sharing my problems with you felt awkward but I always felt safe whenever I realized you are the wall that protects me.

I wish I wasn’t late in telling you that my friends love my cooking which I proudly say was the delicacy that you prepared for me.

I wish I wasn’t late in buying your fancy clothes to have you on trend and make you interested in other things besides just me.

I wish I wasn’t late in realizing that your occasional cough could be far grave than anything I had ever imagined.

I wish I wasn’t late for home the day your reports arrived and you had to face the pain of being diagnosed with cancer alone without me.

I wish I wasn’t late for those science classes as I was into accounting now and could find any solution to your cancer even when I searched a thousand of pages for a cure.

I wish I wasn’t late in telling you how much I wished it was me who was in pain and not you.

I wish I wasn’t late in telling you that I would cry secretly when I was so, all whenever the thought of you leaving me one day would come during the peaceful nights.

I wish I wasn’t late in finding a new excuse when you asked me if your reports after 2 years still showed you still had traits of cancer.

I wish I wasn’t late in loving you the right way that you, my heavenly father deserved.

I wish I wasn’t late in planning things that I could have done during the last stage of your life.

I wish I wasn’t late for the train that I didn’t take the day before you breathe your last.

It still wets my eyes when I look back and think of things that I could have changed,

IF I WASN’T LATE.

*We share Prabal’s grief, his father died due to cancer a few months ago