Nicharna Chahane Haru – Haresh Na Khau, Horlicks Khau

Bhanich, kina haresh khako? Horlicks khau na” says Dhanraj Mams out of the blue, and perhaps the slightly yellowish liquid he was drinking… he points to his almunem ko mug and goes in a hushed tone – “Makai-ko“…

To those who have followed our rants, D mams and I go a long long way back… back to the original andolan days… Chyaa-sssiii… when Iskusey was just that – Iskusey, and hadn’t transformed into Appa… when there was no ‘love’ in Bengal, only ‘light’… that too dhibri ko… [lu yo reference bujhne chai bhaikarrrr ho]…

So here we were in that thado dokan by the terso galli where we have always been, or tried to be, when the cops were not chasing everyone uttering the “G” word and shooting at them… Mams goes for the fifth helping of his favourite “Makai-ko,” I help myself to the third of mine “Bhan-ko“… reminiscing about our good old andolan days… no, not the “Chyaa-sssiii ko” but very recent “Satraa-ko”… and here he was telling me to have Horlicks instead of Haresh…

I am slightly more dumber than usual today, and being ‘curiously dumb’ is not a good thing, yet I am a brave Gorkha, and I end up asking the brave question… “k bhannu bhako?” That’s all it takes for D Mams to go on a rant. Trying to shove in some ‘gyaan‘ down my throat

He is in a ‘gyan-development’ mode these days, much like how almost all of Darjeeling ko politcians are in ‘jani na jani development bhan-ne‘ mode.

The main difference between most of our two-penny politicians wannabe and D Mams is that, he is certain about what kind of development he wants to get done. I am yet to hear anyone else talk of the type of development they want to usher in our hills – social, cultural, political, economic, ecological, industrial, sustainable, or personal… I am sure for the majority of these politicians, ‘development’ means of the “personal” variety.

D Mams on the other hand is more concerned with my ‘gyaan development‘… so I provocate him further and tell him matter of factly, “Mama, nigar ramro Samsing ko… Keti ramro Namring ko… Rajniti mitho Chamling ko… Buerai na bhako neta haru chai Darjeeling ko… aanta esto bhaye pachi, janta le haresh khandaina ra?”

He doesn’t let a single tone fall deaf, picks up exactly where I have left, and responds… “Chamling dherai chalak cha… Hamro neta bhanauda ajjhai balak cha… Mamta ko jhyamta jastai… Affai bajdai, aafai thappari mari mari nach-cha… tara nachnu pani ta energy chahiyo… tyesaile Haresh na khau, Horlicks khau…”

I am not sure what he means, so I ask him to clarify, and he questions back…

Do you know what Ramdev is working on these days?

Since, I don’t have any clue, I shake my head from left to right and from right to left, and he goes, “NCES… Ramdev is working on NCES”…

If I was dumbfounded earlier, I am utterly flabbergasted now, because I have no clue what he is talking about, so in the nicest possible way I question, “khas kura chai k ho Mama?

He smiles his bugsiest toothy smile, and says, “Ramdev is working on NCES – Negative Comment Energy Supplement, he got the idea from Lota Kanchi… when she gave that bhansan in Sukna… where she said, she mixes negative comments on social media with Horlicks, and gets extra energy from that… so soon you can have Horlicks with Patanjali NCES, and get the same level of energy and power as Lota Kanchi… You will get so much energy that you will want to strangle everyone and everything, even Ukkhu with your bare hands…”

It was as if someone had switched on the lights, I once was blind, but now I saw… yet in all earnestness I asked, “why the name Lota Kanchi?” and he goes, “because she doesn’t has a base to stand on, or stand for… she was with Iskusey, then with Aftero, and is now with Syntex Saila… she will dhalkus to any side if a slight force of cash is applied… hence the name Lota Kanchi… jata malku, utai dhalku”…

Who could refute such a logic, I simply smiled, and asked for another round of drinks… as I knew, more was to come.

Perhaps not wanting to disappoint me, D Mams adds, “talking of Ukkhu Kaila, he must be into BDSM, he seems to like to be strangulated… such inclinations begin when one is young… perversion is not acquired over time, it is cultivated… and he must have cultivated since he was young…”

I didn’t know what to make of it, so I look at Mams… he knows I am lost, so he obliges me and says, “Haina Iskusey ko chora ko kura gareko ni… malai nichar bhandai karaudai thyo astee… malai nichara… ras niskincha… mithai ras niskincha bhandai thyo…”

Mams gives me a sly smile and adds, “hana kasto public mai malai nichara ras niskincha bhaneko… tyesto kura ta bedroom ma po garnu parcha… tesko ras niskeko hernu baseko hola bhasan sun-ne haru pani… chamki chamki thappadi mardai thyo…”

I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything… and Mams goes, “pakka pani tyo bhasan chai Appa Kasam le lekhi deko hola… bhasan ma dhari khane kura misaune chai tyai khanu na pakey le hola… kasto ghicchan cha tyo… hyera na futnu aateko cha, ra pani khane kai kura khali gari baschha… Gorkhaland dhari 10 crore ma Ukkhu Kaila lai bechnu lagayera percentage khayo… aafu le kati ghichyo kunni… ghichnu kai khali kura garcha jailey pani…”

“Talking of Ghichney, look at Syntex Saila” Mams adds… “what about him?” I ask… Mams looks incredulous and goes, “Amamama astee Sukna ma 1 lakh manche lai catering garera khaune kura gardai thyo… saat-hazar khali aayo manche ta… tiranabbey hazar ko catering ko kharcha ta kasai na kasai le ghichyo hola… pakka pani Syntex Saila le nai ghicheko hunu parcha…”

Catering ghotala?” I ask, and Mams goes, “from stage making to lights decorating, from Kurseong municipality ko contract to GTA ko… the Kurseong bhari world famous as being dallai Darjeeling ko neta is busy these days… busier than a bunny in a heat…”

“What about the man on top?” I ask…

“Who Aftero? he is busy playing Tarzan in the streets of Delhi these days…” says Mams…

“No no… the other one…” I say…

“Fakundey? he has disappeared like a chit fund company…” says Mams…

“No no… the other one…” I say

Mams gives a faint hint of annoyance, but finally blurts out, “Ohhhh Mamata ko Dhyangro?… tyo ta busy cha these days… nicharnu ma…”

“Ukkhu Kaila lai..” I wonder…

“Haina, Mamata ko petticoat….” says Mams… and laughs his heart out…

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